Striped Bass

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"Record-Sized Striped Bass"

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Well Slim and I took poles and lures, a brunette and a blonde...

The time was gettin' mighty late, before we reached the pond.

And, gettin' there, I tried a lure and made some casts, right-fine;

But, though those stripers leaped at bugs, not one fish took my line.

At last I thought our trip a waste, and cranked my lure towards me,

when, from the depths, a monster struck, and struggled to be free.

It ran a hundred yards of line and doubled back to me;

then blasted through the purple sky so high I couldn't see.

With mouth agape I peered aloft, and waited for the splash,

but then, from out of nowhere, that fish landed with a crash.

I felt my mouth stretch twice its size; I loathed that slimy taste,

and wished I'd had a nice cold drink to have that striper chased.

It thrashed about and tickled on my stomach's touchy linin';

but pretty soon my stomach acid had that bass rec1inin'.

Well me en' Slim felt mighty bad that bass had kicked the bucket.

I wished the night was lighter so I could have seen to duck it.

I tried to cough and throw it up; Slim jumped upon my chest.

But fin'lly we called 9-1-1 and asked them what was best.

The paramedics took one look and saw my bulgin' gut....

informed me, to remove that bass, a surgeon had to cut.

They rushed me into surgery and laid me on a table;

They stuck a needle in my arm and gave my wrist a label.

The medication in the tube was headin' toward my arm.

But then the O.R lights when out, which caused me some alarm.

Yes, ev'ry light went out; They didn't even leave on one,

and, next I knew, a nurse said, "Bill, your surgery is done."

The doctor said the surgery went fine in all respects.

He said "Just sign the bill and get your personal effects."

But, later, in his' office, Doc apologized to me:

He told me I was sterile...that a dad I'd never be.

He said he wished that he'd explained that side-effect to me—

the undesirable result of my Bassectomy.